That’s what really matters

Someday, someone will call back to a time when your connection with them mattered. And they will recall that you reached out to them in their time of need. They will remember that you offered them hope when they were desolate. That you extended them a warm welcome when they felt estranged. They will remember that you placed them first above their own needs. Because someday, someone will remember you.

And they will either remember you for your kindness, your caring, your love, your understanding, your compassion, your mercy.

Or they will not.

It’s as simple as that.

Everyone can be kind. It’s something we all can choose to do as we live this life. We all have that available option at our disposal: the choice to show kindness. To be caring. To extend our hearts. To be kind with every part of our being, radiating love to the people we meet. This choice is ours for the making. And at the end of the day, it’s the choice that people will remember most about us when we’re gone.

It’s not our significant successes or accomplishments that linger long in hearts and minds, but rather our kindness and caring that people will remember.

That is what really matters

Every day is an invitation to receive

I was standing there waiting for my fat juicy burger and I just couldn’t stop thinking about how much life I still have in me. I got my phone out and texted my brother “I wanna date again”. One thing I don’t like about being this far from home is the time difference which makes discussions like this hardly flow. I knew my brother was gonna encourage me to go for it, we talked about it often and not that I ever needed someone’s approval to do what I want but it did help to hear that it is ok to want to be with someone, at least when I was ready for it. Something about hearing my voice out of my head makes me look at things more objectively, it makes a difference “progress not perfection” I wanna be out there and that is progress. There is still so much for me to figure out, and that’s a process..

There’s no way for me to know if I am ready, but here we go…

So how am I supposed to do this? can I be honest about the fact that I am… well, a “widow” am I supposed to voluntarily mention that my husband died, to a stranger, on a first date? Would that scare them away? Is he supposed to ask about it? When to say what? And why isn’t there a handbook for life!

One step at a time Ohoud!

You go place one step at a time…

Since I was far away from everything I knew, I decided to go digital. A quick search for widows dating platforms was enough to make me feel like a blue lonely unicorn in a cold dark cave in a mountain on an uninhabitable island in the middle of the night, and it was storming! Where are the young good men with that extra baggage of a loss!

Not knowing what to expect

No idea what the rules are

One thing I know, every day is an invitation to receive, and it is kind of up to me to decide what to receive, right!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Goodbye!

(Paul! Why aren’t you answering your phone?)

He did not answer that question and I will never hear his answer.

The first part of the second after the Red Crescent agent said, with his low considered toon of voice “Yes he is dead” blocked whatever he said after that, all of the senses I was given did not simply exist at this moment. “Yes, he is dead” All I was trying to do is processing the layer of the realization, and my thoughts were stuck repeating… he is gone! and yet with some sort of denial, my thoughts didn’t feel like they were mine. Almost like my internal monologue has been co-opted out for me to not be aware that my beloved husband dropped out of our combined soul path in this life. It was so hard to believe that life can be really this cruel to some of us. The idea terrified the core of my existence.

For a long time, I asked myself all the WHYs and HOWs. But, mostly I was asking myself how do you say goodbye to the man you never wanted to say goodbye too? I am still not sure if I wrapped my head around it, but I wrote him litter and it felt like a good enough goodbye, at least for now.

May it ease some of our pain and help us feel at peace.

 

My Dearest Paul,

I miss you terribly. It hurts me deeply that you left us. I don’t know what happened and maybe I will never know. But either way, I am proud of you Paul, I am proud of you for living the life you desired for yourself, you did great, you were the perfect men just by being you, your authentic self!

I know you’re in a better place now and although we have different beliefs about the afterlife. I know you are in the Valhalla hall right now standing full of yourself as you always were with that gorgeous smile of yours celebrating with gods.

What I remember are the good times. What I remember is all the love we shared in our little house, all the meals you passionately cooked for us, all the pillow talks we did to plan our future and of course that night! that night when we baked our first loaf of bread together, simply because it was on my bucket list, that night when you told me (your life is part of my life now) That night when you put your head on my chest for the first time and said (this is my place).

You will always have a special place in my heart! And that will always be your place babe! You were loved and will always be loved. And what’s loved never dies, you live in me. you live in us…

I love you more than words can ever express, I love you with every ounce of me, I love you from the very depth of my soul and all of my heart. I LOVE YOU PAUL!

Goodbye!

Does everything really happen for a reason?

I am a girl with a very active random brain, and often I ask myself quotations about things my human brain is not capable to find logical answers for. For instance, why is there 4,200 religions in our documented history? Or, why is “Tennessee” spelled with too many double litters? At this exact moment, I am trying to guess, if mankind were annoyed enough by the fact that the day starts at different times over the planet. Would they try to do something about it? What’s the possibility that they will actually do make it happen! And if they did, would they try to adjust the son’s light beam? Or try to reshape of the planet?

I think the last thought might be an introduction to my next article! Stay tuned I guess?

Here is what I have been really wondering about recently.

Does everything really happen for a reason?

As a girl who was introduced to a lot of religions. Yes, of coerce there is a god and he/she/it would not like to put us through misery just for the sake of it! Yes, of coerce there is a lesson in it that we need to learn!

But as a resilient soul, I dive deeper. What if everything happens just because something must happen? And this led me to another question, why can’t we know all the reasons why these problematic events happen to us? It Is going to help us accept it and focus on the lesson! At least I would like to think so! So why not!

I heard a brilliant man once explain his point of view about how everything in this life has a purpose. And that shifted my thoughts and perspective about this question to a whole diffract direction. I don’t know where I stand regarding the “everything happens for a reason” statement. Or why aren’t we able to find the reasons why. But either way, I am kind of finding it fun not to know.

It seems like shit is a big part of life! If you are going through rough times you will probably agree. But maybe, it is just another part of the journey! there is no cheat sheet, right? Maybe we were given these much shit because we need to compost it to something better? Something desperately needed!

Another question for you, have you ever faced an obstacle? Can you think of one person who never faced obstacles in life? If you can think of one name then trust me you don’t know enough about their personal story.

One last question and I promise it is the last. How many obstacles did you overcome and actually learned something? How many times did you feel frustrated with that stubborn ketchup bottle until you finally learned how to extract the damn ketchup for your fries? Ya, it is a tiny scale of a problem, and maybe that’s why the solution is widely known around the world!

What if bigger problems just need more time, more experience, more awareness to get smoothly untangled? How many times did you find yourself up on a mountain you did not know you could climb?

We all have our composting experiences, we all gained something from horrible stuff. What if it doesn’t even matter if everything happens for a reason or not. What if we just need to keep composting?

 

 

Remember That

As a single mom, I always fond a way to stress myself about not spending enough time with my twelve years old daughter. Especially since I can see her exceptionally strong growth. One night I figgered “Hey there is a lot I wanna say to her, so just say it” and I did! It was awesome. She accepted everything and we had a long discussion about it all. I also wrote her a letter because we all need reminders sometimes, right?

I think I nailed it! I am so happy with the results!

Here is the letter context.

Enjoy,

Dear Rafah,

How are you, mammy? I miss you so much, I miss you and will always miss you even if you were right in front of my eyes. You are my number one star and will always be sweetheart. You are 12 now baby! I can’t believe it has been 12 years already, I still remember when you were a few hours old. You were so tiny I could carry you with one hand. You used to sleep all the time the few first days and just like always you looked like an angel. I couldn’t stop looking at you all the time, all I wanted to do it to hold you, kiss your feet and smell your head.

Look at you now growing gorgeously like you always did, despite all the hardship you have faced earlier! You are always thriving!

I want you to know baby that you will always be my first love, no matter how far we were, you are always in my heart, you are always my heart.

There were always things I wanted to tell you. But I felt that you are still young to understand. But you have proven me wrong.

You are the strongest person I have ever known baby. You are so strong more than what you think you are, and you have the power to achieve whatever you want. So never ever doubt yourself! Even if it felt sometimes that you are not strong enough to make the change you want. Even if it felt impossible to be happy or joyful at some moments, you got the power to do so. Because I know you are that strong. Always believe in yourself, even if everyone around you did not! Their opinion should not matter and will never make any difference as long as you believe in yourself. Remember that!

You are the most beautiful girl on this whole planet. Just the way you are and your beauty comes from the inside, from within. Once you realize this, you will see beauty everywhere around you, and you won’t need to prove it to anyone, it will shine clearly throw you. Your beauty is not based on products you use nor how you look or talk. You will always be beautiful no matter what sweetheart, remember that!

I will always be close to you and I am there for you. Even if it seemed like we are far away sometimes, I am always there for you, and you can talk to me any time you want. I am in your heart and you will always be in mine. Remember that!

This point is so important baby! And I want you to come back and read it over and over again whenever you feel sad.

It is perfectly ok to be sad or frustrated sometimes, sadness and pain is a normal part of life.

It is ok to feel whatever you are feeling at the moment, you don’t have to be happy all the time, in fact, you don’t have to be anything all the time! But the important thing is when you feel these feelings do not just stay there, you want to accept it, you want to honor it, you want to acknowledge it and then let it go. Only then it will get better. And even if it didn’t, you don’t have to make it. Just let it be.

You can be mad at me, your dad, your best friend or even yourself. It is ok to be mad just don’t hang-on on these feelings for too long. Because that is when it gets to be a problem. Let it go.

If you are mad at someone, it is important that you talk about it so people know your boundaries. I will always accept your feelings and won’t push pass it, you just need to tell me and I will always your feelings, you will be loved despite what you feel and you will always be surrounded by the light to guide you through life.

Remember that!

You are an amazing soul and I want you to be always kind to others, just the way you are. But always put yourself first, because when you are happy you cannot but uplifting people around you. When you put yourself first, you teach people you love how to be kind and take care of themselves. It may sound a bit selfish! But I am sharing this quote by Jesse Elder, and hopefully, it will klick with you as it did to me. “What other perspectives can you have than the perspective of self” Remember that!

Be you baby.

Be the awesome you always been.

Be Rafah.

Love

Mamma

18, Oct 2018