(Paul! Why aren’t you answering your phone?)

He did not answer that question and I will never hear his answer.

The first part of the second after the Red Crescent agent said, with his low considered toon of voice “Yes he is dead” blocked whatever he said after that, all of the senses I was given did not simply exist at this moment. “Yes, he is dead” All I was trying to do is processing the layer of the realization, and my thoughts were stuck repeating… he is gone! and yet with some sort of denial, my thoughts didn’t feel like they were mine. Almost like my internal monologue has been co-opted out for me to not be aware that my beloved husband dropped out of our combined soul path in this life. It was so hard to believe that life can be really this cruel to some of us. The idea terrified the core of my existence.

For a long time, I asked myself all the WHYs and HOWs. But, mostly I was asking myself how do you say goodbye to the man you never wanted to say goodbye too? I am still not sure if I wrapped my head around it, but I wrote him litter and it felt like a good enough goodbye, at least for now.

May it ease some of our pain and help us feel at peace.


My Dearest Paul,

I miss you terribly. It hurts me deeply that you left us. I don’t know what happened and maybe I will never know. But either way, I am proud of you Paul, I am proud of you for living the life you desired for yourself, you did great, you were the perfect men just by being you, your authentic self!

I know you’re in a better place now and although we have different beliefs about the afterlife. I know you are in the Valhalla hall right now standing full of yourself as you always were with that gorgeous smile of yours celebrating with gods.

What I remember are the good times. What I remember is all the love we shared in our little house, all the meals you passionately cooked for us, all the pillow talks we did to plan our future and of course that night! that night when we baked our first loaf of bread together, simply because it was on my bucket list, that night when you told me (your life is part of my life now) That night when you put your head on my chest for the first time and said (this is my place).

You will always have a special place in my heart! And that will always be your place babe! You were loved and will always be loved. And what’s loved never dies, you live in me. you live in us…

I love you more than words can ever express, I love you with every ounce of me, I love you from the very depth of my soul and all of my heart. I LOVE YOU PAUL!